i_will_be_his

i'm a sack of shit for saying this, but i wish that i wish i were dead. i don't wish i was dead, but it would feel better if i did, because that would mean i didn't care.

i'm sick of myself. i truly hate myself. i can't even get out of bed in the morning because the only relief i have is sleep. everything goes away when i'm sleeping. too bad i can't sleep forever. as in sleep and not die, because i'm terrified of death. i don't know what's wrong with me. obviously something is. i'm tired of not having anyone. i have no one. i have no friends. i've successfully pushed everyone away. good going. not that it took much effort. i've never known anyone for more than 5 years at a time. i wish i had someone who has been there for a long time, but there isn't anyone. i miss having a best friend, but i'm always third wheel. although, i should say now i'm no wheel at this school.

i'm just tired and keep shoving my big fat fucking face. i can't take this much longer. we've got to do self portraits for a class. great. i get to be the fat bitch that takes up the whole shot. i'm so tired. i don't know how i got in this deep fucking whole and i can't get out. i don't know how to get out. how the hell can i be 22 and have nothing but regrets? fuck it. whatever. suck it up. tell it to your stupid online journal, and smile your fat face for the camera.

i'm so disgusting.

blah.


whatever.

my sister just got engaged. my beautiful skinny wonderful sister. yay for her.

500 cals tomorrow. crossing fingers.
schools over. my gpa sucks. SUUUUUUUCKS.
i'll do a good update tomorrow.

i wrote one paper today. one more tomorrow and an anth journal entry. then i'm done, except for exams. i'm looking at three B's and an F. way to go. >:(

but whatever.

it was funny to see illusionarydark's entry re: tats cause i'm so feeling the call for another ink addition. i have no idea what to get. and i have no money. maybe after christmas, but maybe i'll just spend money on myself instead of others, hehe. i need to think of another design. i want to get a memoriam tattoo for my grandmother, but i want it to be something that relate to her specifically, and not just the typical rose or what not. she was in the medical field, so i was thinking something with a caduceus, but they aren't very pretty to me. i just don't know. i need to research some traditional portuguese designs too. when i achieve my LTG i'm going to get a back piece i think, unless i chicken out. i just really want something new. what i might do is have one of my existing ones worked on, because i'm not too happy with the way it turned out. it's rather "flash-esque." it definitely oculd use some more detail.

blah. i'm so blah. called the boy last night. it's been a while since we talked on the phone as opposed to IM. he sounds so different, very confident. it was definitely good to hear his voice again.

i seriously have issues. like mind-fuck problems. i'm sabotaging my weightloss. why? because i'm a big fat pussy and i'm scared to be a real person. i'm afraid of life, and my weight allows me to hide.

mind-fuck. as i said. i've seriously got to grow some balls here.

i
hate
my
self

fucking
trainwreck

ugh. crappy weekend. cals out the wazoo. i've lost 2.5 pounds though, from about a week ago, without trying, so that was a boost.

i had to go to the ER last night from some kind of allergic reaction. it's happened before, more than a year ago, and that time i very nearly died--anaphylactic shock--because i waited so long before realizing what was happening. i just knew i was going to die...like i could feel myself slipping. it was quite horrible. this time felt exactly like how it started last time, so as soon as i realized what was going on, i woke up my bf and had him take me to the hospital. it didn't get even close to as bad as last time. i was just covered in hives and couldn't breathe very well. it's kind of scary. i have no idea what i'm allergic to. i didn't do anything odd either time. suffocation is a baaaadddd way to go. i'm going to go to my doctor to see if i can take an allergy test or something, as soon as i lose more weight, that way i can get good news too.

i've been bad. for like...a week...

since whenever my last post was. i so suck. i've gained back the 6.5 pounds and gained 3. insane. fucking holidays and fucking stress from school. i can't handle the stress. i just want school to be over!!!!

i want to cry. i disgust myself. i feel like a failure. i can't believe i gained all that weight in like a week. less than a week, probably. it's probably a good 3 or 4 pounds water weight cause i've had NO water, but the rest is pure fat.

i so can't handle my life right now. i just need to get out of school and everything will be better.

i'm hungry.

stupid stomache. stupid food. stupid fat.

PFFFTT!

home sweet home. looks like an effing pig sty. you'd think he could clean up a little, right? noooo.

i didn't spend too much time with him. he came home late and fell asleep while watching a movie. that''s okay, cause it means we didn't have to have sex, which i HATE lately. i'd rather clean toilets.


i'm going to start my liquid fast tomorrow. i'm limiting it to water, diet drinks, and, if necessary, bullion. which requires me going to the grocery store, but that's okay, because when i see massive amounts of food, it reminds me of the massive size of my ass.

i bought a new scale today, and it's off several pounds from my mom's i think, but i'm not sure. so i'm just going to go by the one at home, and start over, more or less.

i talked to the other boy tonight. he wants to see me so badly, and i want to see him too, but i can't because i'm huge and disgusting and i haven't seen him in four years. but it's certainly motivation to step up and get thin.

this is the first day in a long time that my hands and feet are cold. it would be nice if it were an indicator that i'm doing well on my calorie intake, but that may be wishful thinking. i think i've done okay. i need to do better, and i will and i will begin tomorrow (today, really).

to members of tightrope_girls, i think i'm going to delete it, because i had started it before i got to "know" longingtobethin, which rocks, and that's all i need, so i'll just post here and there. i doubt any of you will care.

well, that's all for tonight. school tomorrow and sleep is a must.

it's so lonely in this house by myself! my bf hasn't called me. i don't think he loves me anymore. we've been together for more than four years now, but i just don't think he cares. he doesn't understand that the reason why i'm so cold is because i get nothing from him. he expects me to be everything to him, but doesn't think he has to be anything to me.

blah.

i talked to my ex yesterday. he apparently still wants to do dirty things to me. i miss him so much, but i can't see him until i look fabulous, which will be a while.

i'm so behind in schoolwork, it's terrible. i am spending so much time obsessing about losing weight that it's like i don't have time for anything else. when i go to study, i'm so distractable, and i'm hungry and so i start eating. school=fat! ha!

i guess the best thing to do it just do my homework and suck it up.

i feel like i'm pitying myself, and i HATE that.

so, no more! off to read Don Quijote.

i haven't eaten anything yet today, and i'm not really hungry, so i'm in a pleasant mood. i just went to michael's and got a canvas to start my new painting on--i am excited. i also went to barnes and nobles and got the newest issue of tattoo, so i'm a happy clam.

i also got a great little book of quotes, and i think i'll post one a day until they run out on tightrope_girls. i think many of them are quite appropriate for our collective plight.

that's all for now.

i find that amusing. ick day. bad mood. skipped school. i'm such a loser. this is bad. i can't go skipping school like this. it's not like me. my grades have gone down the shitter. i don't even know how i managed to get into this school. i just want c's--if i can make c's then i will get the credit hours and i won't have to take these stupid classes again, and then it's on to art classes for my major, and all will be will.

i've got a killer headache. but in a way, it's good, cause when i take ibuprofin, it reminds me to take my vitamin, which i would otherwise forget, and that would not be good at all. i think i'm going to watch a movie. i need to figure out how to get the vcr to work. i know, i'm effin brilliant.

water water water water water

i need an intravenous drip.

i hate myself/life/everything today.

argh.

it will get better! it will.

( Read more... )

i had a great food day, but i like i said, i'm keeping that separate in my community, so i'm not going to dwell on that here.

i went to g'boro with my bf and we had a relatively good time. i also went to winston and went by where i used to live. it was good to see it again.

i'm so behind in my schoolwork it's not even funny. i'm freaking out on one hand, and on the other, i just don't care because it doesn't seem that important to me. i know it's very important, but i can't take any more stress so i'm just blocking it all out. i will have a chance to catch up on my readings this upcoming weekend. then i'll feel much better. between the weight and money, school is taking a backseat right now, which i'll probably be regretting later.

i'm in a fabulous mood, which is so strange considering the fact i've been in such a deep depression for so long. this is the first time i've felt good without medicine in literally years. it's all about control. that's all it is.

for those who don't read my community, i'll repeat myself, but i got the most fantastic fortune today in a fortune cookie that i did not eat, lol. it said "your dearest dream is coming true." i don't know why, but that has stuck with me all day. it's sooo perfect--just the kind of encouragement i needed. being thin is my dearest dream, quite literally, and i felt like it was a sign. i know it seems ridiculous and superstitious to be reading so much into a piece of paper, but i'll take whatever goodness i can get, and that was total goodness and completely made my day, because i so hope it does come true. i'm so silly. that's okay. i'll allow it this time. ;)

school early tomorrow, ick ick ick, but i have no choice. i have to take the stinking bus tomorrow too. not looking forward to that. i hate touching people, and inevitably i will have too since the public trans is always so crowded.

that's it for tonight. i shall post something with a little more substance tomorrow.

tchau,
jinx

I figured what i'll do is post all my weight stuff on tightrope_girls and then personal stuff on this journal. they go hand in hand a lot, but i figured that i should try to keep them as separate as possible, because i already feel myself getting obsessed with the weight issues.

i'm absolutely freaking out about school. i've got a presentation due in three weeks and an 18 page paper due in four, and i haven't started on either. i don't know why i'm having such a hard time getting started on them. it's almost as if i've forgotten how to do such things.

for my new friends on LJ, let me say a bit about myself. i'm a student at a public university in North Carolina. i've been living with my boyfriend for four years, but we don't really get along. i'm actually still hung up on someone that i dated about five years ago, who i still talk to but i haven't seen since 2001. this is sort of why i've become so determined to lose weight--i want to see him again, but i've gained weight since living in this depressing hell hole, and he wants me to come back to him, but i can't see him in this state. i must be beautiful again, and then "i will be his." it seems stupid to do it for someone else, but i think that's only how it seems, because i'm doing it for myself too, because i'm tired of hating myself so much. he's just providing that extra bit of motivation. this actually got started by a conversation we had recently where i realized that i still mean something to him, and i'm not willing to give that up. i've lived like this long enough, and i'm tired, and there's nothing in this world that could possibly be more satisfying than being thin again.

i don't know if i'm still in love with him or if i'm in love with the idea of him, but i know that there's no way to find out except for seeing him again, and there's no chance in hell that i'll let him see me, big fat slob that i am.

that's all for now.